You're really "thinking the words" and making them your own, which is great. Now it's time to take the next step - finding different beats in your audition monologue so you have different colors. The acting is good but you are coming from the same place for most of it.
Make it about the other person more. Tell her about one thing you've "seen" then really look at your (imaginary) partner to see how she takes it...
Does she get where you're coming from?
Did you go too far?
Are you in trouble?
The answer to these questions will take you to the next beat, where you have to come up with another way to get your point across (ie. your objective).
Working on beats will slow your monologue down at the beginning, but after a little rehearsal, the pace will pick up again.
If I remember this movie correctly, the lead character is trying to show this girl he hasn't been watching her because he's creepy but because he likes her, so your character should have more at stake here. You need to have more riding on how the other person is going to react, what they will think of you and how what you are saying could change your relationship for good.
One thing that seems to keep you from putting yourself out there more is physical habits that diffuse your energy as an actor, like a lot of hands movements and shallow breathing in between lines. These are just bad habits we pick up as actors sometimes when we don't feel connected to the material.
Practice being completely still and breathing out with the lines for a while and you'll see that you'll start feeling more connected emotionally. Then when you feel a real impulse to gesture as the character, these gestures will help you rather then hold you back.
The monologue is a little long. See if you can cut it down to 1:30 - 2 minutes so you can leave the casting director wanting more.
Also don't break out of character so quickly at the end. This is an important audition monologue tip: always stay in the moment and in character for a few beats at the end of the monologue. This shows you as a professional who knows how to deliver a performance and take control of the audition.
I know it's a lot of notes. I try to offer a good amount of feedback so actors have a lot to work on. That doesn't mean the piece is not audition ready as it is. The important thing is to keep working on it, while feeling good that where you are with your monologue is enough when the time comes to audition!
Also, these comments are just one point of view. Only take what you find useful.
Thank you for sharing your work. I hope you'll use the comment links to tell us how your audition went.
Kale Brecht from the film "Disturbia"